I have a million things I feel like I should be saying to the world. And I have zero idea what anyone wants to listen to. So, I just stay silent. The few times I attempt noise, I get no response and it hurts to be ignored. I retreat back to my silence. That isn’t helping me find my voice. It isn’t helping me grow or learn. It is only helping me to stay exactly where I’ve been for far too long. So, I’m taking this journey of writing every day for 31 days on the crazy hope that I will find my voice. Or, at the very least, catch a glimmer of light pointing me in a new direction and put some miles between the old, stagnant me and the me I know is in there somewhere, the me who shares beauty with words instead of hiding in silence.
What is the voice? According to Google, and using only the first definition listed under each part of speech:
noun: the sound produced in a person’s larynx and uttered through the mouth, as speech or song.
verb: express (something) in words.
The voice I’m looking for is somewhere between the two. Obviously, as this is writing, I’m not using my physical mouth, but a metaphorical one to express something in words. I’m looking to communicate, but to do so in a way that is unique to me. I want a noun that is my way of expressing something. We are surrounded by words and ideas and videos and songs and art of a million different varieties every single day. Everyone is voicing something. I don’t want to be just more of the same. I want to be me.
Am I worth an audience? I have no idea. I’ve yet to find one, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t out there. Obviously, if you are reading this, I may have succeeded after all! Do the thoughts and stories I have resonate with anyone? That goes back to the process of finding my voice; I’m also finding my audience. What merit does speaking/writing into an abyss have over silence? That I’ve said/written it? Is that enough? It’s therapeutic to me, but as I’ve experienced so far, it doesn’t further my craft to only practice it in the vacuum of my own giving and receiving of it. I believe everyone is worth an audience, so I must extend the benevolence of that belief to myself, right?
Ok, I guess those set up the foundation of this endeavor, convincing myself there is a goal and that there is a point to aiming for that goal. I should make a to do list so I can feel accomplished by marking off two things. TWO THINGS! That’s a big deal when you start something that scares you. To see a plan and progress instead of another day of sitting still? It’s huge!
But in case someone does actually read this someday, I should throw in a disclaimer: I cannot guarantee this will be pretty, inspiring, or informative . I cannot guarantee it won’t be meandering, disjointed, and without real theme or consistency. I may try on several voices and see what they feel like. I live by trial and error, so, for now, I may as well write that way, right?
But if you are reading this, I CAN promise you that I will be honest in my search for myself and my voice. I hope that in taking this journey, I can merge the two into something beautiful that will be inspiring and informative to someone. I truly appreciate you for taking a chance on someone who is so used to having things to say, and even sometimes saying them, but not having an audience. Your presence, if there is just one pair of eyes out there in the world reading this, you just annihilated the abyss.