I love grace. I love the actual forgiveness for my fallibility and I love the idea that life goes on. Unmerited favor shows up in the strangest of places. I had a thing to do today. I scheduled my whole day around it. My whole day was still all kinds of messed up, but, by golly, I was going to go do the thing! I got there… three hours late. Apparently, I had a dyslexic moment reading the time, mistook 2pm for 5pm, and I totally missed everything. I was going to sing at a small town talent show and then hear my friend’s band play a show afterwards. Missed it all. My guitar and I showed up as they were packing up. My friend was gracious and kind about my blonde moment…
She then insisted that I sing anyway. So, while everyone was doing their work of breaking down the stage, I stood there on the street and played and sang. I got good responses. Really good. We talked a bit and they asked for another song. I played another. Good responses again. But that’s not what this is about. Well, it sort of is, but bear with me.
I’m trying to find my voice. I’m not perfect. My voice (either the literal or the one I’m searching for in the grand scheme of things) is not perfect. I screwed up the one thing I had to do today. But it was still okay. It still worked out. I had the opportunity to perform anyway. It was never about winning or competing for me. It was about the doing. I had the chance to be seen and heard by people outside of my own isolated abyss and I didn’t chicken out. I had an audience. And, I didn’t suck. So, I won. Back to the good responses, I completely missed the mark for the potential opportunities that I had envisioned for the day. And yet, potential opportunities were there waiting for me to show up. Is it grace that those opportunities didn’t care that I was three hours late? They didn’t care that I was the idiot who read the time wrong. Even if nothing at all ever comes of it, I did it wrong and I still didn’t fail. Yeah, I’m going with grace.
It’s not the first misunderstanding I’ve had this week. One was a neutral, “Oh I thought it was this, but it’s that! No biggie!” kind of thing. Grace was present there. The other had, so far, negative results because I dared to ask a question about logic when people were discussing something that I didn’t understand. I understand it far less after the doublespeak of vague circular answers they gave me. I haven’t seen any grace with that one, but I’m still trying to sort it out. I survived reading/doing/thinking/asking things wrong this week. It’s still okay.
We are led to believe that we can miss opportunities. Maybe we can. But maybe an opportunity missed was never meant for us? We should strive to meet them, but if we don’t, can we just move on and look for the next one without regret? That’s an old thought, but put in a new light for me. What if our futures are already loaded with the grace required for us to stumble blindly into them? I’m good at stumbling, as is evidenced by the obvious lack of smooth planning skills. So maybe just putting myself out there, my imperfect voice(s) and imperfect me might just stumble into each other along the way? Maybe my years of “nothing” happening in my life was also grace, sparing me something that I didn’t need and saving me for something that I did?
I don’t know and my brain is quite muddled tonight. But I do know this: sometimes you can do it wrong and it’s still okay. The world doesn’t end and some good comes out of it anyway, and I call that grace.