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Day 16: Whatever Words I Say: A Loveblog

17 Oct

Today marks the very middle day of this 31 day writing project; and, I’m struggling. Not with writer’s block, per se; more like editor’s block. There’s too much to say and most of it is too personal. “Too personal” may be hard to believe if you’ve read my blog so far, but trust me, it is.

Whatever words I say will fall short of my intention. Whatever words I say might ramble on in circles. This is not a normal blog post. It’s a celebration of someone very special to me. I guess if there’s a point or a theme to it, it is that I hope every one of you reading this has someone even half as special in your life. If you do, you are very blessed indeed. If you don’t now, don’t give up. But for now, just bear with me and we’ll see if I can paint a picture of what I’m thinking and feeling.

Firstly, I hate that the world is so big. I hate that a piece of my heart, an incredibly huge piece of my heart, lives 1,095 miles away. But I would walk 547.5 miles, and I would walk 547.5 more, just to be the one to fall down at her door. (Sorry, inside joke within an inside joke.)

I love that the internet exists. I love that God used it to connect me with this part of my heart that I had been missing my whole life. Unlike the unfortunate Lemony Snicket, it was a series of incredibly fortunate events that caused our virtual paths to cross. I am often humbled and honored looking back at how they all fell into place.

I hate that we haven’t been able to be physically present for each other’s lives. I hate money and timing and all of the things that have kept us apart. But, she is always with me. And, I believe that I am always with her.

I love the amazing, beautiful, and interesting woman that she is. I love that today is her birthday and wish I could be there to celebrate it with her. And I wish the world had even a clue of the potential chaos, mayhem, kindness, and absolute greatness that she is capable of!

I hate being proven wrong. All of the things I KNEW, I just absolutely had no doubt about, before I met her: that I wasn’t lovable, that I wasn’t worthwhile, that I wasn’t pretty OR beautiful, that I would just have to get used to being alone and barely existing… she made it her mission to prove me wrong.

I love that she did that.

I’ve been told you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. I’ve been told that you won’t meet people sitting at home alone. I’ve been told that soul mates don’t exist. I’ve been told a lot of things that her very existence in my life disproves. I neither loved or liked myself until she showed me repeatedly that she would love and like me anyway. I didn’t have to go anywhere or do anything to meet her. She just dropped into my life and grabbed my hand.

She came into my darkness where I hated myself and she made herself at home. She came into my sadness and confusion and sometimes made me laugh, sometimes let me cry, sometimes she had answers, and sometimes she just had acceptance. She taught me how to sit in silence, proved that I didn’t have to be interesting or funny or informative to be worth her time. And a big part of me was born in that silence. She taught me how to not filter anything about myself because she promised she’d never run away, even from the scary things. She taught me that we all have scary things and it’s okay. She’s the epitome of almost unconditional love, the only condition being that I cannot ever say one particular word in reference to her. I will forever regret those several hours that she refused to speak to me!

To our future spouses, whoever you may be: I’m sorry, but you will have to understand that we are family, we are sisters, we are best friends, we are soul mates. You will just have to learn to live with that.

I’m going to leave the rest in the hands of The Cure and Adele…

Lovesong

Whenever I’m alone with you / You make me feel like I am HOME again
Whenever I’m alone with you / You make me feel like I am WHOLE again

Whenever I’m alone with you / You make me feel like I am YOUNG again
Whenever I’m alone with you / You make me feel like I am FUN again

How ever far away, I will always love you
How ever long I stay, I will always love you
What ever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you…

Whenever I’m alone with you / You make me feel like I am FREE again
Whenever I’m alone with you / You make me feel like I am CLEAN again

How ever far away, I will always love you
How ever long I stay, I will always love you
What ever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you…
Because I love you…

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Posted by on 17 October 2015 in London Summer

 

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