Day 20: I am Hopefully Delusional

21 Oct

I’ve mentioned before that there is a meme going around that says:

“Make three outlandish wishes right now”

Quoting from said previous post: “At first I scrolled past it. Within seconds, I scrolled back, thought ‘challenge accepted!’ and I made my three wishes. I wrote them down and found myself terrified of hoping again. These were big, really big, wishes. I mean, if it says outlandish, that’s the point, right? Something as huge as any one of these couldn’t possibly happen, right? Well, no matter how many times I doubt that they will happen, no matter how many times I fear the changes in life that they would entail should they come true, at the core of my soul, those wishes have remained the same. I’ve found that hoping for them has been a test of how far I’ve come. I’m having fewer internal battles about how scary hope is because of the chance of disappointment and more time just being happy that I want something in life again. Plus I’m thrilled that I finally know myself well enough to know what I want!”

Big dreams, outlandish wishes, daring hopes, leaps of faith, those things make me uncomfortable. They actually downright terrify me. The risk of disappointment is high. But, it’s even higher if I don’t dream and wish and hope and leap. If I don’t set a goal, could I just accidentally happen upon something wonderful? It’s possible. But knowing myself, the lower I set the bar, the less I will do to reach it. If I don’t have a destination to walk towards, I will just stop walking. I’m enjoying the walk. I’m enjoying every day of my life wherever I am, including the detours and the self-discovery that happens when you’re truly living and trying to achieve things. Sometimes that self-discovery prompts me to make a complete change in destination. I notice that some of my goals are evolving a bit, or even a lot. That’s the great thing about potential, if you recognize that it isn’t set in stone, you can watch it shape into more and more beautiful things with each step you take.

There are times I have had a little trouble hoping, times I’ve had to make it a conscious decision. I stand by the fact that I’m hopefully delusional about anything being possible. Our futures may not be as grande and extravagant as we imagine them being. But they could be. They could even far surpass anything we could envision. I would rather fool myself with hope and believe in the possibilities and know that they will drive me towards something, than play it safe and never progress towards anything.

My wishes, my goals, the things that I want, are so much bigger than I can sometimes wrap my brain around. There is a quote that says: “If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough.” I don’t want to live in the comfort zone that I’ve thus far created. I don’t feel like I belong here. So, the only way I know to move forward, is to hold onto those huge dreams that scare me and remind myself that it isn’t bravery if you aren’t afraid… So, I’ll do it afraid. I’m even, sometimes, finding that I like that fear and rising to the challenge. It’s exciting and invigorating. I can feel myself growing and expanding into the person I want to become, the person who just may wind up reaching her goals and accomplishing her dreams. And even if I don’t, I will have lived. I will not remain sitting still. I will not give up, despite some down days or some set backs. I will hope. I will dream. And I will live.

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Posted by on 21 October 2015 in London Summer


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