I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know the meaning of life. I don’t know how to get from where I am to where I’m going. But I do know this: life is a crazy, exhausting, and amazing journey.
Today is one of those days that I want someone to draw me a map of my life. I don’t want or need to see much of it, I just want a giant arrow that says “YOU ARE HERE.” I want to know that I exist somewhere in this mess where I often feel invisible and lost. I want to know that I’ve made progress from my last chapter and that I’m still heading towards something in the next. I don’t want the details. I’d rather just let them play out and be surprised along the way. But it would be nice to know that I’m at least on my way somewhere.
Do you ever wish you could be someone else for a little while? Not like you hate your life and want theirs, but just want to be able to walk around inside their head for a period of time until you figure out how they think and feel so that you can apply some of their methods to your own life? How did that person decide to do the things he did that brought him where he wanted to be? How did this person know what steps she needed to take to pursue her dreams, even though her dreams wound around and led her somewhere else entirely after a few years? I’m feeling directionless. I can see a million places I’d like to go and I can see where I am, but I can’t get see any paths that link the here with any of the theres. Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of grande-scheme-of-things-sized ADHD-like condition where I can’t settle on one thing, focus, and figure out the process to accomplish it. Maybe there are too many possibilities distracting me so that I never get more than a step or two in any direction?
I know writing this blog is a step. I am taking it very seriously and appreciating the ups and downs of it. It is a great deal of discovery of my self, my mind, and my voice. I recognize that it is part of a learning curve for me; and, I know that I never feel as ignorant or as hopelessly unteachable as when I’m learning something new. I yearn to see some progress, something measurable to show I’m not where I was, in order to gauge that I’m closer to where I’m going. But until I actually learn the thing, I feel like I never will. Of course, once I learn something, I don’t stop and celebrate and revel in the fact that I did it. No, I’m off to the next thing and feeling lost again. You’d think I’d be getting used to it by now. I’m not.
I believe in omens, messages in life that show us the way. Today, I’ve gotten a few messages:
“This is your life. Be bold with it. Live it with energy and purpose in the direction that excites you
Listen to your heart, look for your dreams: they are God-inspired.” – Bear Grylls
“What you desire is deliberately placed out of reach so that you can
become the person it takes to obtain it.” – Mastin Kipp
“What’s interesting about the process of acting is how often
you don’t know what you’re doing.” – Alan Rickman
Also, just when she was saying she felt at the end of her rope,
a cat found my friend. She called it an omen.
Feeling torn between several different directions, I’m not sure which one excites me; but, maybe they all lead me where God wants me. Maybe I’m not alone feeling like my dreams are out of reach and I don’t know how to get there. Maybe I have more becoming to accomplish before I can reach the next step. I’m also definitely not the only one who doesn’t know what they’re doing. If Alan Rickman feels that way about his profession, who am I to expect to know more about mine? I already know that what we need in life finds its way to us when we need it and when we’re ready for it. Maybe a map with a giant arrow would just trip me up and I should be content with my omens and my too many possibilities.